Been watching all the footy shows this week, Brownlow last night, lapping up all the analysis. Just getting ready for the Melbourne trip and talking footy for the whole weekend. Just loving it. Jane and I leave on Thursday and back on Sunday. Lots of stuff on, hopefully will sneak in some red and white for the Swans to the MCG on Saturday, will see.
Its great to have the Melbourne trip on, such a great distraction and part of getting on with some normality and some fun stuff. But its never far from the surface and never far from reminding me about where we are at. My progress scan is due this week, so am having a CT early tomorrow, but even though the results will be available pretty quickly I have told my onco that I don't want to hear about them until my next appointment next Tuesday. Good or bad, let me enjoy the normality of the weekend and try not to think about the results. Usually I don't want to wait, I want the results as soon as I can, but maybe I am getting used to the waiting game, or maybe just a little more ambivalent, not sure.
Had my small chemo on Monday, just a dose of Cetuximab and various steroids, been an exhaustive couple of days but feeling pretty good, ready for the weekend. Stoma has been playing up a little, so just have to watch what I eat a little more and drink plenty of water, will keep working on it.
Was great to catchup with Mike and Trav, good to spend some time with Luke at MacQuarie hospital seeing what he is going through. Great strength and fantastic attitude, some really brutal stuff and just moving through it like a knife through butter. That is great for me to see, wonderful, helps me to see how I should behave through these travels, hope I am holding myself somewhere close to what I see in Luke, awesome buddy.
Went out for an impromptu dinner with Jane and E to "Abbys Beer & Burgers" down at local St Ives. Sensational burger, and had my first beer in around 15 months. Tasted pretty good. Not sure I will be turning it on too much, but was good to have a sneaky ale.
So just in case you want to know, my tip is ABH (Anyone But Hawthorn). Weagles by 2 goals, Priddis for the Norm Smith. Tomorrow is always another day, and my oath am I going to enjoy the next few.
Love.
Trev.
Tuesday, 29 September 2015
Wednesday, 23 September 2015
Sartorial Eloquence - Cancer Council Relay for Life
My loving in-laws have dressed in my favourite attire, the Sartorially Eloquent Hawaiian shirts and participated in the Cancer Council Relay for life.
Rodney, Cait, Maja, Sarah, Grandma Jean, Niamh, Sean and Dale, all looking very swish. Thanks so much guys for suiting up and treading the boards, raising the cash, and for your thoughts along the way. It is still open if any of you out there feel the inkling to donate. Each donation, large or small, helps to fund Cancer Councils research, prevention, information and support services.
Rodney, Cait, Maja, Sarah, Grandma Jean, Niamh, Sean and Dale, all looking very swish. Thanks so much guys for suiting up and treading the boards, raising the cash, and for your thoughts along the way. It is still open if any of you out there feel the inkling to donate. Each donation, large or small, helps to fund Cancer Councils research, prevention, information and support services.
Special thanks to Grandma and Cait who are also fighting their own personal demons that this disease brings.
Had a pretty good week this week with coping with the weed killer pretty well, nausea is somewhat lighter with the new anti-nausea drugs, the fatigue a little better too. Great to catch up with old mate Marc on the weekend, it astounds me each time I meet a mate that I haven't seen for a while at how easy and comfortable it is, friendship certainly endures.
Was also great to catchup with Rob McG, talkin' footy, enjoy the hols with the family bud, you've certainly earned it. Wishing Rob up the road another happy 21st birthday how many is that young fella, great to see you and Cheryl and Amy as usual. And a lovely lunch to farewell Ben with my best mates the Scotts. Not that we enjoyed farewelling Ben, but hope he has a great experience in Noosa and keep a spare lounge for me for sometime next year perhaps.
So excited about next week, even though the Swans wont be there, Jane and I will have some red and white to represent them at the AFL GF. Be great to catch up with our good mates the Dickys and the Whites over the time.
So keep on trucking, as tomorrow is always another day.
Love.
Trev.
Was also great to catchup with Rob McG, talkin' footy, enjoy the hols with the family bud, you've certainly earned it. Wishing Rob up the road another happy 21st birthday how many is that young fella, great to see you and Cheryl and Amy as usual. And a lovely lunch to farewell Ben with my best mates the Scotts. Not that we enjoyed farewelling Ben, but hope he has a great experience in Noosa and keep a spare lounge for me for sometime next year perhaps.
So excited about next week, even though the Swans wont be there, Jane and I will have some red and white to represent them at the AFL GF. Be great to catch up with our good mates the Dickys and the Whites over the time.
So keep on trucking, as tomorrow is always another day.
Love.
Trev.
 |
| Marcy Mueller and an awesome Sunday Brekky. |
Wednesday, 16 September 2015
Coping with the limbo time - Waiting for scan results
I've previously referred to a life of limbo. We seem to live this life of waiting, waiting to see if the treatment is working, waiting for the next doc appointment, and the hard one, waiting for results. This life of limbo it often really hard to deal with, you are hoping for good results, but you really don't know. You want that call from the doc, but the early call from the doc may mean a bad outcome. You never want the doctors office to call you the day of your scan and ask you to be in his office first thing tomorrow morning, that's never good news.
So now heading into my next scan in a few weeks, I was thinking again about how I will handle it, what will I do to help me through it. I have read it referred to as "SCANXIETY", anxiety for scan results, good one. It shouldn't be underestimated the impact it can have on you. I read recently someones description of how they felt about waiting for scans.
Wow, I found that pretty close to what I have felt before. Always hard to sleep, to stop the anxious thoughts, and no, you never get used to it. So what are some of the things that I think I can do, and maybe others can consider.
What have you done before?
Are there ways that you have handled stressful situations in your work and home life before that have worked well? What are they? Can you use them in this situation?
Relax.
Are there techniques that you can help yourself to relax? Breathing exercises, mediation, reading, cooking, going for a walk? Often easier said than done right, but what do you normally do to relax and plan that into the few days.
Focus on the Positives.
Yes you will be thinking about it all, but the positive is no matter what you do now it is not going to change the result of the scan, what will be will be, so what is next in the various scenarios, what can you do to move on no matter what the result?
Talk about it.
Talk to others about it, partners, online blogs, put your thoughts down on paper. Problem shared perhaps? Make it clear when you talk about it that you are not looking for advice, you are just looking to bleed a bit, need a bit of empathy.
Accept that you are going to be anxious.
The worry is normal, it is something that will happen to everyone in this situation, and the point is, IT IS OK. Accept that you are OK to be concerned, but try not to spend too much time inside that emotion, try and bounce back with spending time with family and friends, laughing, chatting, just shooting the breeze. Don't let the worry be the single emotion that overtakes all others, that's not healthy for mind or body.
So the last couple of days have been pretty good, the fatigue this week seems to be improved, certainly better than the weekend. Great to catch up with JB and Cooky for brekky yesterday and see Mum and Dad. So with some preparation for the scan in a few weeks I will try and cope with the life in limbo and Scanxiety. School hols next week, will be good to have the boy home for a few days, looking forward to tomorrow as tomorrow is always another day.
Love.
Trev.
So now heading into my next scan in a few weeks, I was thinking again about how I will handle it, what will I do to help me through it. I have read it referred to as "SCANXIETY", anxiety for scan results, good one. It shouldn't be underestimated the impact it can have on you. I read recently someones description of how they felt about waiting for scans.
“It’s like every six months, someone holds a gun to your head, and they slowly squeeze the trigger. You can hear the springs in the gun compressing, you feel the muzzle shake a little as their muscles quiver, and you tense up, anticipating the explosion. Adrenaline pours through your body. You try to keep from shaking, from crying, because the gun exploded twice before, and you don’t want to go through that again.This time, there’s a loud “click” of the hammer slamming down on an empty chamber. Just that sound explodes in your ears. Every muscle in your body jolts tight as the sound echoes – then rings away.No bullet this time.Good.But it takes awhile to recover.And no… you don’t ever get used to it.
Wow, I found that pretty close to what I have felt before. Always hard to sleep, to stop the anxious thoughts, and no, you never get used to it. So what are some of the things that I think I can do, and maybe others can consider.
What have you done before?
Are there ways that you have handled stressful situations in your work and home life before that have worked well? What are they? Can you use them in this situation?
Relax.
Are there techniques that you can help yourself to relax? Breathing exercises, mediation, reading, cooking, going for a walk? Often easier said than done right, but what do you normally do to relax and plan that into the few days.
Focus on the Positives.
Yes you will be thinking about it all, but the positive is no matter what you do now it is not going to change the result of the scan, what will be will be, so what is next in the various scenarios, what can you do to move on no matter what the result?
Talk about it.
Talk to others about it, partners, online blogs, put your thoughts down on paper. Problem shared perhaps? Make it clear when you talk about it that you are not looking for advice, you are just looking to bleed a bit, need a bit of empathy.
Accept that you are going to be anxious.
The worry is normal, it is something that will happen to everyone in this situation, and the point is, IT IS OK. Accept that you are OK to be concerned, but try not to spend too much time inside that emotion, try and bounce back with spending time with family and friends, laughing, chatting, just shooting the breeze. Don't let the worry be the single emotion that overtakes all others, that's not healthy for mind or body.
So the last couple of days have been pretty good, the fatigue this week seems to be improved, certainly better than the weekend. Great to catch up with JB and Cooky for brekky yesterday and see Mum and Dad. So with some preparation for the scan in a few weeks I will try and cope with the life in limbo and Scanxiety. School hols next week, will be good to have the boy home for a few days, looking forward to tomorrow as tomorrow is always another day.
Love.
Trev.
 |
| Onya JB. |
Monday, 14 September 2015
The Mental Rollercoaster
I love this time of year.
For the mental challenges that my disease and treatment bring, these are all great distractions. I don't know how much the mental side plays in the whole scheme of things, but for well-being in general I think its significant. To have the distractions, and all the conversations around them, it enables me to focus in other positive directions.
But its never far from the surface, its never far from conversation, and I think that's OK. Its not about trying to forget about it all, that would be silly, and something that would be hard to do. I have never been a bury-the-head-in-the-sand sort of guy anyway. Its about providing the mind a chance to get away from the concerns and worries of the situation to give the mental piece time to rest and perhaps even to recuperate and repair. I still need to think about the practicalities and continue to ponder the various scenarios, be ready for the next onco appointment with my current crop of questions, but I also need to be able to separate from it at times.
Part of the separation I feel is that although to a certain extent the disease does take over, it cannot over the long term define who I am. When you refer to me now or anytime, I hope that the disease is just 1 of the subsets that make up who I am. A major one for sure, I understand and accept that, but I continue to work hard to make it not the defining one in my time here. What my hope is that when people do talk about me, that they talk about other things first, bad or good I am not sure, but that the disease is a secondary thing. Does this make sense?
So after having my smaller weed killer yesterday I am feeling pretty good today. I am a little surprised that I am feeling this way after such a foul weekend, but I am happy to take it while it lasts. Might have been the pep talk from JG on the way home yesterday, footy, cricket, finals, you know the drill. Thanks for the lift by the way JG, always there for me bud. So might get out soon and take the dog for a walk in the beautiful weather, and try and relax for the day to keep this feeling going for a while.
Happy that I can smell the roses, had some hayfever sneezing this morning so might restrict the rose sniffing a bit, but good that have had a switch and ready for whats next, as tomorrow is always another day.
Love.
Trev.
- Its between seasons, the cold seems to start moving away and the sun visits more often. Do I wear shorts today, or still don the jeano's? Sorry for that picture, my near hairless legs out in the open, some people pay lots of cash to have smooth legs like mine.
- Its the end of the kids footy and netball seasons, we have finals, and wrap-up with great discussions about the year, and thoughts of next year.
- Its AFL Finals Footy, Swans are always there, and again we are in it, but the games every weekend are such high standard, its great to watch the games and all the analysis.
For the mental challenges that my disease and treatment bring, these are all great distractions. I don't know how much the mental side plays in the whole scheme of things, but for well-being in general I think its significant. To have the distractions, and all the conversations around them, it enables me to focus in other positive directions.
But its never far from the surface, its never far from conversation, and I think that's OK. Its not about trying to forget about it all, that would be silly, and something that would be hard to do. I have never been a bury-the-head-in-the-sand sort of guy anyway. Its about providing the mind a chance to get away from the concerns and worries of the situation to give the mental piece time to rest and perhaps even to recuperate and repair. I still need to think about the practicalities and continue to ponder the various scenarios, be ready for the next onco appointment with my current crop of questions, but I also need to be able to separate from it at times.
Part of the separation I feel is that although to a certain extent the disease does take over, it cannot over the long term define who I am. When you refer to me now or anytime, I hope that the disease is just 1 of the subsets that make up who I am. A major one for sure, I understand and accept that, but I continue to work hard to make it not the defining one in my time here. What my hope is that when people do talk about me, that they talk about other things first, bad or good I am not sure, but that the disease is a secondary thing. Does this make sense?
So after having my smaller weed killer yesterday I am feeling pretty good today. I am a little surprised that I am feeling this way after such a foul weekend, but I am happy to take it while it lasts. Might have been the pep talk from JG on the way home yesterday, footy, cricket, finals, you know the drill. Thanks for the lift by the way JG, always there for me bud. So might get out soon and take the dog for a walk in the beautiful weather, and try and relax for the day to keep this feeling going for a while.
Happy that I can smell the roses, had some hayfever sneezing this morning so might restrict the rose sniffing a bit, but good that have had a switch and ready for whats next, as tomorrow is always another day.
Love.
Trev.
Sunday, 13 September 2015
I'm not tired, really I'm not
The cancer related fatigue is one that I have been trying to explain for some time, but still don't reckon I have explained it well. Over the last month or so I have been really fatigued, one of the reasons they say may be the accumulated effect of the chemo. But how to explain what that means.
Fatigue in usually from activity, overuse perhaps. If you are tired, usually a good nights sleep will at least help relieve it. In the case of the cancer related fatigue, a good nights sleep doesn't cut it. Its a real lack of energy, whole body tiredness is how I have heard it described. Its acute, its chronic, its exhaustion, and it doesn't really go away. It may be from the disease, or the treatment, it can come on quickly and be extremely debilitating.
For some reason this weekend has been pretty bad, spent most of the last couple of days on the couch. Sometimes I sleep, sometimes I don't, but its hard to function normally, to get up and get a drink. In the last month i have found I can help plan for it. I don't plan anything on the chemo day and the few days following, and then for later in the week i just make sure that I only plan to do 1 thing per day, 1 catchup, and can usually get myself up for that. After that, it tends to kick in and I am back on the lounge or in bed. But still working out how to manage that in a normal week, but this weekend has hit a little harder. Maybe I overdid it this week, or maybe its something else, I don't know. Got to get this right and pace it.
However, got to Cassie's netball Grand Final on Saturday, and Ethan's AFL presentation day today, in both cases, planned for it and got through it pretty well. We didn't win the GF, but Ethan received a runner up B&F award, congrats to both.
Loved catching up with Deb, Dicky, Healz, Fincha, and the St Ives AFL Old Boys. (Yep, probably over did it this week by the sound of it). Heading back in for chemo tomorrow, have an early appointment so better try and get some sleep eh. Try and wake up and enjoy the day chatting with the nurses, as tomorrow is always another day.
Love.
Trev.
Fatigue in usually from activity, overuse perhaps. If you are tired, usually a good nights sleep will at least help relieve it. In the case of the cancer related fatigue, a good nights sleep doesn't cut it. Its a real lack of energy, whole body tiredness is how I have heard it described. Its acute, its chronic, its exhaustion, and it doesn't really go away. It may be from the disease, or the treatment, it can come on quickly and be extremely debilitating.
For some reason this weekend has been pretty bad, spent most of the last couple of days on the couch. Sometimes I sleep, sometimes I don't, but its hard to function normally, to get up and get a drink. In the last month i have found I can help plan for it. I don't plan anything on the chemo day and the few days following, and then for later in the week i just make sure that I only plan to do 1 thing per day, 1 catchup, and can usually get myself up for that. After that, it tends to kick in and I am back on the lounge or in bed. But still working out how to manage that in a normal week, but this weekend has hit a little harder. Maybe I overdid it this week, or maybe its something else, I don't know. Got to get this right and pace it.
However, got to Cassie's netball Grand Final on Saturday, and Ethan's AFL presentation day today, in both cases, planned for it and got through it pretty well. We didn't win the GF, but Ethan received a runner up B&F award, congrats to both.
Loved catching up with Deb, Dicky, Healz, Fincha, and the St Ives AFL Old Boys. (Yep, probably over did it this week by the sound of it). Heading back in for chemo tomorrow, have an early appointment so better try and get some sleep eh. Try and wake up and enjoy the day chatting with the nurses, as tomorrow is always another day.
Love.
Trev.
 |
| Healz had left, should I superimpose him on? |
Monday, 7 September 2015
Well that's a surprise
So what next? At the risk of you looking closely when you next see me and thinking or saying WTF...
My eyebrows have been thinning slowly, but just last night, interestingly, they pretty much fell out. Wow, now that was a surprise, but you wouldn't know it, as how do I raise my eyebrows in surprise, or shock? Or that one eyebrow raise of disapproval? I know the kids will be happy at that one. So BAB, those cracks about my oversupply of body hair are wearing a bit thin. Get it, wearing a bit thin, thinning hair? Jokes aren't as good when you feel you have to explain them, are they.
So part of the story is at yesterday's big chemo we are trying a couple of new nausea drugs, as well as another steroid to try and combat these side effects and get me back on track. The nausea seems to be better, which is great. The additional steroid still tries to trick me into not being able to sleep, tired, but can't sleep, and no eyebrows. So wonder if there is a grow-an-eyebrow drug I can take? Advanced hair, yeh, yeh. Will keep trying to try to get over this hump and improve quality of life.
So it's been a terrific couple of weeks on a number of fronts. A great Father's Day on Sunday. Always good to mark the milestones, had a great brekky, my favourite meal of the day and the kids put some great thought into pressies as they always do. They reckon I'm hard to buy for, I don't believe that, and they always do so well I can't be that difficult. Wearing my new Swans hoody this week. Great to catch up with Al, Sarah, Rog and Jillian last week, and Luke, Kate, Ollie, Ella and Ava on Saturday, wishing you well for this week and what the future holds.
I wrote in a previous post, a couple of weeks back I was awarded life membership of my cherished ST Ives AFL club, so proud. Then a week or so ago I was awarded AFL Volunteer of the year for the Sydney Harbour Region. Then I got a call last week from head of NSW AFL, Sam Graham. First thing I thought was what had our club done wrong that he was calling about. However he delivered the news that I was awarded the NSW AFL Volunteer of the year award, and for that I was on an all expenses trip to the AFL Grand Final, flights, accom, brekky at. Government House, and also being part of and walking in the GF parade. Wow.
I then got onto tikitec and tried to get tickets to the GF eve Marngrook footy show. I love that show, but all sold out. So I emailed and the awesome guys at NITV and Marngrook have been terrific, Jane and I will now be at the show as a guest of the network, would not let me pay for the tickets. Wow.
Kids are jealous, but will be a great weekend away for my lovely wife and I, and hope to catchup with a few Melbourne mates as well.
So putting up with the nausea and fatigue, watching some crappy movies, with the knowledge that tomorrow is always another day.
Love.
Trev.
My eyebrows have been thinning slowly, but just last night, interestingly, they pretty much fell out. Wow, now that was a surprise, but you wouldn't know it, as how do I raise my eyebrows in surprise, or shock? Or that one eyebrow raise of disapproval? I know the kids will be happy at that one. So BAB, those cracks about my oversupply of body hair are wearing a bit thin. Get it, wearing a bit thin, thinning hair? Jokes aren't as good when you feel you have to explain them, are they.
So part of the story is at yesterday's big chemo we are trying a couple of new nausea drugs, as well as another steroid to try and combat these side effects and get me back on track. The nausea seems to be better, which is great. The additional steroid still tries to trick me into not being able to sleep, tired, but can't sleep, and no eyebrows. So wonder if there is a grow-an-eyebrow drug I can take? Advanced hair, yeh, yeh. Will keep trying to try to get over this hump and improve quality of life.
So it's been a terrific couple of weeks on a number of fronts. A great Father's Day on Sunday. Always good to mark the milestones, had a great brekky, my favourite meal of the day and the kids put some great thought into pressies as they always do. They reckon I'm hard to buy for, I don't believe that, and they always do so well I can't be that difficult. Wearing my new Swans hoody this week. Great to catch up with Al, Sarah, Rog and Jillian last week, and Luke, Kate, Ollie, Ella and Ava on Saturday, wishing you well for this week and what the future holds.
I wrote in a previous post, a couple of weeks back I was awarded life membership of my cherished ST Ives AFL club, so proud. Then a week or so ago I was awarded AFL Volunteer of the year for the Sydney Harbour Region. Then I got a call last week from head of NSW AFL, Sam Graham. First thing I thought was what had our club done wrong that he was calling about. However he delivered the news that I was awarded the NSW AFL Volunteer of the year award, and for that I was on an all expenses trip to the AFL Grand Final, flights, accom, brekky at. Government House, and also being part of and walking in the GF parade. Wow.
I then got onto tikitec and tried to get tickets to the GF eve Marngrook footy show. I love that show, but all sold out. So I emailed and the awesome guys at NITV and Marngrook have been terrific, Jane and I will now be at the show as a guest of the network, would not let me pay for the tickets. Wow.
Kids are jealous, but will be a great weekend away for my lovely wife and I, and hope to catchup with a few Melbourne mates as well.
So putting up with the nausea and fatigue, watching some crappy movies, with the knowledge that tomorrow is always another day.
Love.
Trev.
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| Talking footy... and stuff. Onya Al. |
Wednesday, 2 September 2015
Its all Relative
We all complain at times, about life, health, work, home, relationships. The great Aussie ask of "How ya going?", doesn't always need an answer, but have had many people say to me "well, I have nothing to complain about compared to what you are going through". Its all relative right?
But we all have our emotional challenges about various things, and its certainly not a competition. Your challenges and problems are as important as mine, to you, they are much more important. But I'm happy if when you talk about your challenges if my problems give you some perspective, which may sometimes give you some view that some challenges are not as bad as we sometimes think. Yep, it is all relative, but relative to your life, how important is that problem you are facing?
But in my context, I love to talk through stuff with you. I hope you don't feel guilty or feel you have to say "...compared to your problems...". You don't, you never did before, so in that context nothing has changed.
A great mate was diagnosed with cancer of the throat last week, my thoughts and wishes are constantly with you, and will help in any way I can, whether to listen, chat, let me know what else I can do. I'll drop the moogoo and pawpaw over soon. Its all relative right, and I am feeling for you, these early days for you and your family will be challenging, hoping you can just run with it for now, 1 day at a time.
A great mate was diagnosed with cancer of the throat last week, my thoughts and wishes are constantly with you, and will help in any way I can, whether to listen, chat, let me know what else I can do. I'll drop the moogoo and pawpaw over soon. Its all relative right, and I am feeling for you, these early days for you and your family will be challenging, hoping you can just run with it for now, 1 day at a time.
So been pushing through this week and feeling pretty good. Daily I'm still very fatigued, but trying to manage the days so I can get out later each week for a coffee and something adult contact. Seems to be working ok. As in previous weeks having some more time feeling a little sorry for myself, but working on bouncing back to keep on top of it all.
Was great to catch up with Jo last week and compare war stories. Wonderful to hear how well she is coping with her challenges, one very strong woman. Ethan's footy on the weekend saw them head out of the finals, and injury meant he just watched as his Swans mates played on the SCG. But hopefully he will be back in a few weeks over the lower back injury. Cass had a netball win on Saturday by a goal, awesome game, bring on the GF. Also great to catch up with Hoody yesterday, love hearing about all my EMC mates.
Recently I submitted an article to the National Ostomy magazine (hand up, who knows what an Ostomy is? Time to consult Dr Google perhaps?) , and they published it in the letters section. They sooped it up a bit so was really happy with how it came out, so I have attached it here. They also asked me to do another one in a similar format, pretty pleased with that too. Loving this writing gig, fun, and pretty good as a strategy to box up some thoughts and ideas.
So its a beautiful day outside today, and I'm feeling pretty good. So will spend sometime with good friends and family and then tomorrow is always another day.
Love.
Trev.
Recently I submitted an article to the National Ostomy magazine (hand up, who knows what an Ostomy is? Time to consult Dr Google perhaps?) , and they published it in the letters section. They sooped it up a bit so was really happy with how it came out, so I have attached it here. They also asked me to do another one in a similar format, pretty pleased with that too. Loving this writing gig, fun, and pretty good as a strategy to box up some thoughts and ideas.
So its a beautiful day outside today, and I'm feeling pretty good. So will spend sometime with good friends and family and then tomorrow is always another day.
Love.
Trev.
Wednesday, 26 August 2015
Trying to take some control back
Been struggling lately, the beginning of the week after my chemo, particularly the big chemo day, I am finding the feelings of wanting to not do this any more frighteningly stronger and lasting longer. Thanks good mate JG for doing exactly the right thing on pickup yesterday, listening, a few understanding words and a hand on my shoulder, and then some good distraction convo, thanks. But by mid to end of week I am starting to get back the mojo, and enjoying life as it comes. I have had a great couple of weeks from a personal perspective, that always keeps me going, balancing the good with the bad eh.
Some reading and thinking yesterday on trying to take back some control, some thoughts, some plagurised words, and maybe I can get back on the horse.
Some reading and thinking yesterday on trying to take back some control, some thoughts, some plagurised words, and maybe I can get back on the horse.
- Look to break the cycle - I'm thinking about doing something a little different, plan some time away with the fam, maybe some personal time, just to get out of the routine, make it look a little different.
- Choose to find the joy - continue to look for the good stuff, the positives. I have been pretty good at this over the time, just got to keep working on it to keep moving forward.
- Choose to make memories - however long I am on this earth it is important for me and my family to continue to look for small and larger things to make memories with. Even the small things we laugh about, the larger activities, all of them are things that we can remember in our hearts forever in spite of the circumstances we are facing.
- Share the lessons - as a fighter I am learning some of life's most meaningful lessons, and its important for me to share those to help me find purpose in the challenges I am facing.
I am aware that some of the stuff I write might seem narcissistic. Well probably to some it is, and even sometimes I sit back and think why would anyone want to read this crap, its all about me. But for me to be able to box up and share some intimate and raw thoughts, it enables me to put things into a box and move them on, to try and capture for me what is real and what is not, and it certainly helps for me to continue moving forward. So no apology, read what you want, and leave what you don't, up to you. The writing is more for me, and if in some way it brings you into my and other cancer sufferers world of understanding just a little, then that's a good thing, isn't it?
So starting to come out of the couple of day haze that is my big chemo week, and just gotta keep reminding myself of some of the things I need to do to keep getting my mojo back, today, and tomorrow, as tomorrow is always another day.
Love.
Trev.
Friday, 21 August 2015
Daffodil Day
Daffodill Day is this Friday 28th August, 2015.
https://www.daffodilday.com.au/
The funds raised are used by the cancer council to support people and families with cancer in various ways. Its a small way for you to show your support of the work from the cancer council and to also show that you are on the journey with me and others. I have my pin, will purchase some more for the family this week. You can purchase from Coles, from shopping centres, hospitals, and sometimes there is even someone at the local train station selling. Thanks.
Continuing to suffer from the daily fatigue, but working out how to cope with it. Lots of rest of course, and ensuring I don't do too much each day seems to work most days. The neuropathy in my hands has eased a little, which is great, but the neuropathy in the feet has ramped up. It is constant discomfort, feels a little like I am walking on a couple of loaves of bread, stale old bread that is. I find walking flat footed helps a little, but the constant discomfort is a hard one. But not going to stop me getting out and walking the dog or moving around. Good hint from Shane about getting a stationary bike to try, sounds like a good idea.
Great to catch up this week with Mikey, Rowey, Shaun and Shane. Rowey tells me that its not selfies, its us-ies. Was awesome to catch up with my old EMC team as well. Netball and Footy this weekend, and chemo is on Tuesday this week.
Forecast rain tomorrow for footy, wet track, and tomorrow is always another day.
Love.
Trev.
https://www.daffodilday.com.au/
The funds raised are used by the cancer council to support people and families with cancer in various ways. Its a small way for you to show your support of the work from the cancer council and to also show that you are on the journey with me and others. I have my pin, will purchase some more for the family this week. You can purchase from Coles, from shopping centres, hospitals, and sometimes there is even someone at the local train station selling. Thanks.
Continuing to suffer from the daily fatigue, but working out how to cope with it. Lots of rest of course, and ensuring I don't do too much each day seems to work most days. The neuropathy in my hands has eased a little, which is great, but the neuropathy in the feet has ramped up. It is constant discomfort, feels a little like I am walking on a couple of loaves of bread, stale old bread that is. I find walking flat footed helps a little, but the constant discomfort is a hard one. But not going to stop me getting out and walking the dog or moving around. Good hint from Shane about getting a stationary bike to try, sounds like a good idea.
Great to catch up this week with Mikey, Rowey, Shaun and Shane. Rowey tells me that its not selfies, its us-ies. Was awesome to catch up with my old EMC team as well. Netball and Footy this weekend, and chemo is on Tuesday this week.
Forecast rain tomorrow for footy, wet track, and tomorrow is always another day.
Love.
Trev.
Sunday, 16 August 2015
Emotional Fitness
What an awesome week and weekend. Getting somewhat used to the 1-thing-a-day thing, where I rest up for all day to spend the couple of hours up and doing something, and then crashing after. Hard to get used to, but with the fatigue from the accumulated reaction to the weed-killer that's at the moment the new normal. Nothing on Mondays-Wednesdays, then 1 thing a day for the other days.
So that's the body, now for the mind. Reading a recent piece on emotional fitness, found some interesting points.
So still on a bit of a high tonite, what a great few days. Feeling thrilled, but very, very beat. Today was a good day, as were the last few days, and although tomorrow is chemo day, tomorrow is always another day, and I always look forward to that.
Love.
Trev.
So that's the body, now for the mind. Reading a recent piece on emotional fitness, found some interesting points.
- The key to emotional fitness is self-awareness - when you have time to sit and consider, analyse, and you are pragmatic enough to do so, you can give some estimations of where you are at, the good bits and the not so good bits. That's a start, the recognition and awareness.
- Emotions are a filter that shape what we see and how we evaluate - when I am in my dark days, i see things from that perspective, when in my good days, well, you know! Its also a little about emotional intelligence and how we behave and how it impacts others. How we treat others for instance, how we react to others behaviours.
- Emotions are contagious - if I am expressing the dark side, then that's what I get back. I don't really want a bunch of Darth Vaders coming at me, so its important that I don't spend too much time in the dark side, but give in to the FORCE!
- Constant reflection - Getting into the habit of looking and evaluating and reflecting on things. I reckon I am overly reflective sometimes, but really like looking back, analysing, predicting.
This article was related to coaching, but was a good few thoughts to look at and spend some time about how I go with each of these. Am I emotionally fit, maybe, sometimes, but its a constant for all of us I reckon. Reflection, self awareness, EQ, all good things to continually look at and review for ourselves and maybe even those around us.
So today I got to Ethan's footy, a great final home and away game of the year and finished with a good win ready for next weeks finals. Great lunch with a couple of sensational footy mates during the week, Piers and Luke, photo below, awesome time. And last night had a rare night out for our footy fundraising night, was a great night, and was very proud to be named a life member of the St Ives AFL club, very proud, very special.
So still on a bit of a high tonite, what a great few days. Feeling thrilled, but very, very beat. Today was a good day, as were the last few days, and although tomorrow is chemo day, tomorrow is always another day, and I always look forward to that.
Love.
Trev.
Monday, 10 August 2015
Struggle Street
I've been struggling over the last month with what seems an accumulation effect of the chemo. Intense fatigue that doesn't really go away. Lots of rest, dealing with the fatigue and nausea, really hard to explain it to anyone, something I have never really experienced, but safe to say, its not good.
The chemo continues to be brutal, had my big day yesterday, just feel totally shattered, and sometimes on those days and the following 1 or 2 days I feel like I cant do it anymore. Even voiced that to Jane last night which I haven't really done before, usually keep that one to myself as much as I feel I can, and my gorgeous wife simply told me that she would support whatever I decide to do. I know the whole thing is as hard for her as for me. I hate that. I really, really hate that.
I know that later in the week I will bounce and forget about it for a few days, and the resilience will kick back in. I treasure those days and the time I can spend lucid and in good company chatting, sitting with the fam. But after being on the treatment for a fair length of time, the feelings of wanting to stop treatment are becoming frighteningly longer and stronger, and so challenging that resilience. Not looking for words of "hang in there", or "keep strong". Just telling you like it is, raw and honest. Just be there, no platitudes please, thoughts and wishes only.
Had a great day on Sunday watching E play footy and helping out at Auskick and taking photos, and great to see Shaun, Virginia and Rory up to support the old crew. Shot of some of our awesome footy parents below. Been helping out where I can with the footy club, really enjoying that, constantly chatting with Rob, Paul, Mike and Luke. I am sure they are all sick of me calling to bother them and chat, but they never say so, just chat and laugh and listen, very privileged to be part of a great footy club community. Fantastic to coffee up with the Fardys and the Gallus and chew the fat. Was great to catch up with old school mate Healz, fish and chips at the beach, well in a nice cafe on the beach, just as good. Thanks as usual to Jane and Lyss for the lifts to chemo and back.
The mental and physical challenge is great, but I still hold a strong belief that I am up for it, just not today, but maybe tomorrow, as tomorrow is always another day.
Love.
Trev.
Tuesday, 4 August 2015
Licence to carry on
My drivers licence was due for renewal in a couple of days. I got the renewal letter some weeks ago, but have been sitting on it (figuratively, not physically). These days, they offer you a 1, 3, 5 or 10 year licence, just different costs. Since I received the letter I've been hesitating. Really should just get it done, but couldn't bring myself to do it. Just kept over-thinking it.
My conundrum
How many years do I renew for? Would it be a waste to do more than is needed? If I choose a lower number of years, does that mean that I am giving myself less of a time-frame giving up perhaps? By picking 10 years am I being wasteful and ridiculous?
I have sat on this for several weeks, keep on going back to it and then rethinking it and still not getting to a decision. I think this is some of the irrational thinking that happens in times of stress. Perhaps I haven't got enough mental stimulation and so I keep going to places and getting anxious over small things, things that don't really matter that much.
So with a day or 2 left till expiry I went and renewed it today. It wasn't that hard really, still hadn't made the decision till I got there, still stressing about it on the way up. I tried to push that out of my mind by deciding to try and get my licence without wearing my glasses, guessing a bit at those fuzzy letters on the board. It sort of worked, it sort of made me think about something else, a strategy to formulate the letters, how I was going to explain it to the clerk after I got all of them wrong.
But in the end I renewed for 5 years, that seems OK doesn't it, maybe, well..... I still don't know, and still feel uncomfortable with it, but its done.
I have had a great week, Lindys 50th on Sat night and boogie down on the dance floor, still got the moves. Got to footy and netball on the weekend, basketball last night, and got through chemo on Monday a little better than I have the last few weeks. Caught up with Nigel last week, haven't caught up in so long. Great to chat to Jo again and see how strong she is through her challenge and really improving.
Tomorrow is always another day.
Love.
Trev.
My conundrum
How many years do I renew for? Would it be a waste to do more than is needed? If I choose a lower number of years, does that mean that I am giving myself less of a time-frame giving up perhaps? By picking 10 years am I being wasteful and ridiculous?
I have sat on this for several weeks, keep on going back to it and then rethinking it and still not getting to a decision. I think this is some of the irrational thinking that happens in times of stress. Perhaps I haven't got enough mental stimulation and so I keep going to places and getting anxious over small things, things that don't really matter that much.
So with a day or 2 left till expiry I went and renewed it today. It wasn't that hard really, still hadn't made the decision till I got there, still stressing about it on the way up. I tried to push that out of my mind by deciding to try and get my licence without wearing my glasses, guessing a bit at those fuzzy letters on the board. It sort of worked, it sort of made me think about something else, a strategy to formulate the letters, how I was going to explain it to the clerk after I got all of them wrong.
But in the end I renewed for 5 years, that seems OK doesn't it, maybe, well..... I still don't know, and still feel uncomfortable with it, but its done.
I have had a great week, Lindys 50th on Sat night and boogie down on the dance floor, still got the moves. Got to footy and netball on the weekend, basketball last night, and got through chemo on Monday a little better than I have the last few weeks. Caught up with Nigel last week, haven't caught up in so long. Great to chat to Jo again and see how strong she is through her challenge and really improving.
Tomorrow is always another day.
Love.
Trev.
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