Scared Shitless

Had a decent week this week. Since my small weed killer on Monday have had a decent few days. Great to have lunch with good mate JG who has been awesome with support for the whole trip so far. Had a good session at my Bowel Cancer Support Group up at the SAN this week too, love you guys, my cancer buddies. Nice to reconnect with an old school mate Brendan today.

Most of the time over the last 9 months I have been very proud of my strength of mind. I have been able to work through the bad news, the various events, and keeping very determined to work towards a good outcome. At the moment, most of the time I am still keeping that momentum, but in coming up to my next scan on 16/4 and then the results on the following Monday, I'm looking down the barrel of the most important week of my life so far and its playing a little havoc with my head. To put it bluntly I am scared shitless.

During the nights when the pain seems to reach its crescendo, and when the world is a little quieter giving my head a bit more time to bounce things around, I am starting to really struggle with some demons. Is the chemo working, is it not? Is the increasing pain the tumours growing, or is it them dying and becoming necrotic? Jane and I talk it out often. I'm sure she is tired of hearing it and I'm sure it is hard for her to have the conversation, but she doesn't say so, she just listens, and comforts and helps me keep those demons at bay. I certainly married a good one, love you forever my darling.

Waking up the next morning and then relaxing, or having a catchup or whatever, and life seems to move on. That is until the evening comes around again, and so begins the roundabout. But I know when I go to sleep finally that I can wake up tomorrow and start again, onward and upward, as tomorrow is always another day.
Trev.

JG & Trev - 1/4/2015