Another small hurdle

For near 12 months I have been working towards heading back to work, putting some normality in life. I enjoyed my job, but its not necessarily the work that I crave. Its things like:

1. The social piece, shooting the breeze, adult contact, relationships. 
2. The idea of being valuable. To be able to do stuff of value to others, rather than asking people to do stuff for you.
3. The link to the normal, the idea that I don't have to focus on the disease and treatment 24x7

I have had 2 false starts in my return, both were medical, both times i had planned to return and unfortunately could not. This time I had planned to return this Friday for a day a week, and have been very excited about this for some time. It was going to happen.

Unfortunately my employer EMC could not accommodate the 1-day per week role, and have made a business decision to terminate my employment due to medical incapacity. So double hit. Not returning as hoped to give it a go, and employment terminated. 

I understand the reasoning, and am accepting of the decision, like lots of things I have to be, no choice really. But the timing is tough, and the decision is really out of the blue so its a bit of a hard one to stomach. I will still be covered under salary continuance insurance which pays partial amount of my salary, but it does prove several financial challenges for us, as well as some mental challenges.

But what will be will be, yes I had my heart set on it, but as someone told me today, it can provide me with other opportunities to do some stuff that I really want to do. Some sage advice, one that I will explore.

Wishing Jo all the best with her results, back into limbo land again, know that one well, but Jo seems to be coping extraordinarily well. Great to catch up with Smithy, Chez, and a great lunch with the Talkforce crew last week. Awesome to catch up with you all, and thanks for listening.

So although this week did not bring me what I thought it was going to, I am sure next week will bring something new, as tomorrow is always another day.
Love.
Trev.

 

Lucky Trev

I am a lucky guy. The last 12 months have been a bit of an awakening.

To be confronting mortality means that I constantly need to consider today and aim for tomorrow. I hug tighter, I talk deeper, I love harder, I laugh more heartily. More than I ever have before. I am privileged to have had this awakening.

It's not a spiritual awakening, it's a rational one. I reckon many of us don't have this. We carry on with our daily lives one day after another. It s bit like going through the motions, taking things for granted. Those disagreements we have about the stupidest little things, why. It's OK to have them, but bounce away from them as he quick as you can. No ones fault, just accept and move on. I've always had trouble with that one, but still working on it.

I urge you to take my lead. Your life and the lives of your loved ones are so precious, and short. Go home tonight, hug the kids for no reason except that you can. No need to go overboard, a simple hug, a touch, a look, a laugh, a few words. They might giggle and push you away, laugh harder at that, giggle more, hug more. Tell them you love them, every day. Corny? Yeah it is, but so what? Important and meaningful? My f*&#$en oath.

I get to hug my wife and kids every day, to tell them I love them, to laugh and giggle and listen and talk. More than I ever had before. How privileged am I to be in this situation and to be able to do that. Very privileged, very lucky.

I am proud to be heading into my 12 months anniversary since diagnosis and still be here. The have been many times when I didn't expect to make it, but I have, and hopefully heading in a good direction for now. And tomorrow I will hug and kiss and love and laugh, as tomorrow is certainly another wonderful day. And you should as well, really.

Love.

Trev.

The Battle

In a battle there is a winner and a loser. With me, if cancer wins, then it loses, as without me it cant propagate  For me, I can never really win, as I will never be rid of cancer, it will be with me till the day I die. It's always going to be a management of the disease. We will never be able to get rid of it, it will always be trying to keep on top of it. Remission is not a word that I can consider.

There are no winners and losers here, no matter what happens, no matter what the outcome.

So its really not a battle, I am really not battling the disease. What I am doing it trying to live with it, to live with the diagnosis, the issues and problems, living with the disease and all that goes with it. Whatever happens, I have always coached to play the game out right till the last whistle, finish with your head held high. I will continue to do that.

Been a great couple of weeks. Lots of footy, lots of catching up with good friends, lots of time with family.

I missed the ice-hockey last week that I really wanted to go along to with Jane. Ethan took my place, they had a great time. I saw a few days of Ethan playing footy, the State Carnival, a few club games. He had a ripper today against East Sydney at Acron, 4 goals and a great game. I also got to watch the Swans game at the Alexandria Hotel on Saturday night with good mates Mic and Fincha, and got to chat with good friend Davo again who was hosting the night. Great catching up with all you guys as always, love you brothers.

  

Now that I am off the phenergan I'm awake for each infusion. One thing that it was masking was the nausea, which hangs around for a good couple of days. My white cells continue to go down, so I have scratches and cuts and broken skin on various parts of my body that really don't heal so well, so its an everyday battle with more creams and band-aids and putting up with the discomfort. I also feel pretty awful some days, and find it hard to shake that, to bounce back from that sometimes physically, I put that down to the low count as well. The continuous fatigue sometimes catches up with me, but I think I am getting better at resting when I need to catching up on a bit and so being up for the times I want to be up for. My pharmacist Mark hears about my new problem every week, hes doing well so far. My feet and hands continue to be troublesome with the neuropathy, just got to suck it up and keep going with that.Thanks to my designated drivers for the last couple of weeks, Lyss as always, and JG.

Still looking forward to returning to work for 1 day a week starting June 26. I also have my next scan coming up soon to see how we are going. I do have a few extra aches and pains, but hoping they are nothing, or nothing bad that is. But I have worked out from previous experiences, I can't read these things, I just have to wait and see. Last scan was great, so no reason to think the next scan is also going to be great. Well, not too many reasons really, except the extra pains down around the liver and lung area, but I am sure they are nothing (did I say that already?).

So big day in at the SAN Hospital tomorrow, big day in infusion. Should be fun, always enjoy catching up with a great bunch of nurses, and Lyssa is my designated driver again. Put your hat on Lyss, rev the engine, away we go.
Tomorrow is always another day.
Trev.