Trying to take some control back

Been struggling lately, the beginning of the week after my chemo, particularly the big chemo day, I am finding the feelings of wanting to not do this any more frighteningly stronger and lasting longer. Thanks good mate JG for doing exactly the right thing on pickup yesterday, listening, a few understanding words and a hand on my shoulder, and then some good distraction convo, thanks. But by mid to end of week I am starting to get back the mojo, and enjoying life as it comes. I have had a great couple of weeks from a personal perspective, that always keeps me going, balancing the good with the bad eh.

Some reading and thinking yesterday on trying to take back some control, some thoughts, some plagurised words, and maybe I can get back on the horse.

1. Look to break the cycle - I'm thinking about doing something a little different, plan some time away with the fam, maybe some personal time, just to get out of the routine, make it look a little different.
2. Choose to find the joy - continue to look for the good stuff, the positives. I have been pretty good at this over the time, just got to keep working on it to keep moving forward.
3. Choose to make memories - however long I am on this earth it is important for me and my family to continue to look for small and larger things to make memories with. Even the small things we laugh about, the larger activities, all of them are things that we can remember in our hearts forever in spite of the circumstances we are facing.
4. Share the lessons - as a fighter I am learning some of life's most meaningful lessons, and its important for me to share those to help me find purpose in the challenges I am facing.

I am aware that some of the stuff I write might seem narcissistic. Well probably to some it is, and even sometimes I sit back and think why would anyone want to read this crap, its all about me. But for me to be able to box up and share some intimate and raw thoughts, it enables me to put things into a box and move them on, to try and capture for me what is real and what is not, and it certainly helps for me to continue moving forward. So no apology, read what you want, and leave what you don't, up to you. The writing is more for me, and if in some way it brings you into my and other cancer sufferers world of understanding just a little, then that's a good thing, isn't it?

So starting to come out of the couple of day haze that is my big chemo week, and just gotta keep reminding myself of some of the things I need to do to keep getting my mojo back, today, and tomorrow, as tomorrow is always another day.

Love.

Trev.

Daffodil Day

Daffodill Day is this Friday 28th August, 2015.

https://www.daffodilday.com.au/

The funds raised are used by the cancer council to support people and families with cancer in various ways. Its a small way for you to show your support of the work from the cancer council and to also show that you are on the journey with me and others. I have my pin, will purchase some more for the family this week. You can purchase from Coles, from shopping centres, hospitals, and sometimes there is even someone at the local train station selling. Thanks.

Continuing to suffer from the daily fatigue, but working out how to cope with it. Lots of rest of course, and ensuring I don't do too much each day seems to work most days. The neuropathy in my hands has eased a little, which is great, but the neuropathy in the feet has ramped up. It is constant discomfort, feels a little like I am walking on a couple of loaves of bread, stale old bread that is. I find walking flat footed helps a little, but the constant discomfort is a hard one. But not going to stop me getting out and walking the dog or moving around. Good hint from Shane about getting a stationary bike to try, sounds like a good idea.

Great to catch up this week with Mikey, Rowey, Shaun and Shane. Rowey tells me that its not selfies, its us-ies. Was awesome to catch up with my old EMC team as well. Netball and Footy this weekend, and chemo is on Tuesday this week.

Forecast rain tomorrow for footy, wet track, and tomorrow is always another day.
Love.
Trev.

Emotional Fitness

What an awesome week and weekend. Getting somewhat used to the 1-thing-a-day thing, where I rest up for all day to spend the couple of hours up and doing something, and then crashing after. Hard to get used to, but with the fatigue from the accumulated reaction to the weed-killer that's at the moment the new normal. Nothing on Mondays-Wednesdays, then 1 thing a day for the other days.

So that's the body, now for the mind. Reading a recent piece on emotional fitness, found some interesting points.

1. The key to emotional fitness is self-awareness - when you have time to sit and consider, analyse, and you are pragmatic enough to do so, you can give some estimations of where you are at, the good bits and the not so good bits. That's a start, the recognition and awareness.
2. Emotions are a filter that shape what we see and how we evaluate - when I am in my dark days, i see things from that perspective, when in my good days, well, you know!  Its also a little about emotional intelligence and how we behave and how it impacts others. How we treat others for instance, how we react to others behaviours.
3. Emotions are contagious - if I am expressing the dark side, then that's what I get back. I don't really want a bunch of Darth Vaders coming at me, so its important that I don't spend too much time in the dark side, but give in to the FORCE!
4. Constant reflection - Getting into the habit of looking and evaluating and reflecting on things. I reckon I am overly reflective sometimes, but really like looking back, analysing, predicting.

This article was related to coaching, but was a good few thoughts to look at and spend some time about how I go with each of these. Am I emotionally fit, maybe, sometimes, but its a constant for all of us I reckon. Reflection, self awareness, EQ, all good things to continually look at and review for ourselves and maybe even those around us.

So today I got to Ethan's footy, a great final home and away game of the year and finished with a good win ready for next weeks finals. Great lunch with a couple of sensational footy mates during the week, Piers and Luke, photo below, awesome time. And last night had a rare night out for our footy fundraising night, was a great night, and was very proud to be named a life member of the St Ives AFL club, very proud, very special.

So still on a bit of a high tonite, what a great few days. Feeling thrilled, but very, very beat. Today was a good day, as were the last few days, and although tomorrow is chemo day, tomorrow is always another day, and I always look forward to that.
Love.
Trev.

Struggle Street

I've been struggling over the last month with what seems an accumulation effect of the chemo. Intense fatigue that doesn't really go away. Lots of rest, dealing with the fatigue and nausea, really hard to explain it to anyone, something I have never really experienced, but safe to say, its not good.

The chemo continues to be brutal, had my big day yesterday, just feel totally shattered, and sometimes on those days and the following 1 or 2 days I feel like I cant do it anymore. Even voiced that to Jane last night which I haven't really done before, usually keep that one to myself as much as I feel I can, and my gorgeous wife simply told me that she would support whatever I decide to do. I know the whole thing is as hard for her as for me. I hate that. I really, really hate that.

I know that later in the week I will bounce and forget about it for a few days, and the resilience will kick back in. I treasure those days and the time I can spend lucid and in good company chatting, sitting with the fam. But after being on the treatment for a fair length of time, the feelings of wanting to stop treatment are becoming frighteningly longer and stronger, and so challenging that resilience. Not looking for words of "hang in there", or "keep strong". Just telling you like it is, raw and honest. Just be there, no platitudes please, thoughts and wishes only. 

Had a great day on Sunday watching E play footy and helping out at Auskick and taking photos, and great to see Shaun, Virginia and Rory up to support the old crew. Shot of some of our awesome footy parents below. Been helping out where I can with the footy club, really enjoying that, constantly chatting with Rob, Paul, Mike and Luke. I am sure they are all sick of me calling to bother them and chat, but they never say so, just chat and laugh and listen, very privileged to be part of a great footy club community. Fantastic to coffee up with the Fardys and the Gallus and chew the fat. Was great to catch up with old school mate Healz, fish and chips at the beach, well in a nice cafe on the beach, just as good. Thanks as usual to Jane and Lyss for the lifts to chemo and back.

The mental and physical challenge is great, but I still hold a strong belief that I am up for it, just not today, but maybe tomorrow, as tomorrow is always another day.

Love.
Trev.

Licence to carry on

My drivers licence was due for renewal in a couple of days. I got the renewal letter some weeks ago, but have been sitting on it (figuratively, not physically). These days, they offer you a 1, 3, 5 or 10 year licence, just different costs. Since I received the letter I've been hesitating. Really should just get it done, but couldn't bring myself to do it. Just kept over-thinking it.

My conundrum
How many years do I renew for? Would it be a waste to do more than is needed? If I choose a lower number of years, does that mean that I am giving myself less of a time-frame  giving up perhaps? By picking 10 years am I being wasteful and ridiculous?

I have sat on this for several weeks, keep on going back to it and then rethinking it and still not getting to a decision. I think this is some of the irrational thinking that happens in times of stress. Perhaps I haven't got enough mental stimulation and so I keep going to places and getting anxious over small things, things that don't really matter that much.

So with a day or 2 left till expiry I went and renewed it today. It wasn't that hard really, still hadn't made the decision till I got there, still stressing about it on the way up. I tried to push that out of my mind by deciding to try and get my licence without wearing my glasses, guessing a bit at those fuzzy letters on the board. It sort of worked, it sort of made me think about something else, a strategy to formulate the letters, how I was going to explain it to the clerk after I got all of them wrong.

But in the end I renewed for 5 years, that seems OK doesn't it, maybe, well..... I still don't know, and still feel uncomfortable with it, but its done.

I have had a great week, Lindys 50th on Sat night and boogie down on the dance floor, still got the moves. Got to footy and netball on the weekend, basketball last night, and got through chemo on Monday a little better than I have the last few weeks. Caught up with Nigel last week, haven't caught up in so long. Great to chat to Jo again and see how strong she is through her challenge and really improving.

Tomorrow is always another day.
Love.
Trev.