All that Free time you have

Free time, I wish.

I am not working, because I cant. I cant because I daily deal with nausea, massive fatigue, my spinning world, continuous feeling of fainting, doctors appointments, more doc appointments, different doc appointments, infusions, researching drugs, working out drug regimes. I have taken time off to deal with the cancer and the treatment, and its certainly more than a full time job.

I wish I had more time and better health to use the "time off" for good rather than evil. I wish I could have gone to the swans club game last week, or Ethan's training, or picked up the girls from the station, or driven Jane to work. These are things I cant normally do, normal things, the ones that I cant goto because I cant stand up for long periods, nor drive, or because I am trying hard not to throw up the majority of the time or laying down to stop my head from spinning for a short piece of relief. I force myself to get out sometimes, just because. I took the dog for a walk a couple of days back, made the 20m up to the park, then virtually kneeled down and threw the dog the ball for a few minutes, that even felt too much at the time. Got to the Swans fan day this morning, awesome. After getting ourselves a coke, sat in the shade for a while to get it together, spend about 40 mins walking around chatting to the players with E and Lyss, that was clearly enuff, had to head for the car.

Its been a bit of a tuff week after my new chemo regime started last Monday. Been feeling up and down, hoping that the switch would flick and I could enjoy a couple of days, but not quite. Hoping that will come as I start getting used to and coping with the new chemo drugs, hoping. Now back in tomorrow for another dose of the Erbitux. Hopefully we can hit it with something before they pump it in me so we don't mirror the reaction of last week.

So anyone that has told me how bored I must be, I assure you, I am far from bored. I am sick of the time off, I am tired of the time off, I am sick of not being able to plan too much, knowing that I have limited standing time. I want no more of this so called free time that I must have. There is no boredom from being off work, there is no time to sit and enjoy myself or get bored.

But, we will keep working on it as tomorrow is another day.
Trev.