Carrying on

Hey there, still riding the roller coaster, good days, not so good days. Had my big chemo day yesterday so slept badly from the steroids, and feeling dusty from the chemo. Its an interesting thing that when I am on the downhill run later in the week I convince myself that I can do anything, as long as its working that I can do it and get through it. But on the bad days, the chemo days and the following few I wonder sometimes how long I can keep doing it. But we carry on.

Last week I had a glitch, had a blockage in my stoma. I think it was overdosing on KFC that did it. So started about 7pm on Wednesday night as the pain began. I am pretty good at recognising it, and usually when I have a bit of a block I have been able to free it. Water, Movicol, and moving around, squats behind the couch, twisting around, it gets the insides moving and has always worked to free whatever potential block i have had. However, this time it didnt work. More Panadeine Forte, some Endone, Movicol, more Movicol, lots of pacing and moving.

By 2am (now Thursday of course) I could take it no longer, woke Jane and off we went to the SAN. Triaged immediately, into the bed, didn't bother accessing the port as it would have taken 5-10 mins to get it all sorted, so straight into the vein and in went the Morphine. Some more Morphine, and then simply saline drip, and then after a few hours it freed up and blockage was cleared. The admitted me for the day and went home around 4pm that arvo. Pain has been my kryptonite all along, its something I remember and avoid like anything, and once it is there its hard to get rid of. I hate the Morphine, but man did it do the trick.

All the medical staff was awesome at the SAN. But it was interesting that the emergency nurses were concerned about my rash, whether it was infectious. This is the rash that the chemo drug gives me, that I have multiple pills and creams to keep it under control. You go into the cancer ward or the infusion centre and no one bats an eyelid, but they all have their specialties, so no issue with that.

Over the weekend my Junior AFL club participated in the #iknowsome1 campaign with the Jodi Lee Foundation about Bowel Cancer Awareness. So proud of the players and parents and officials that embraced this and was a great day. It was simply awesome to help drive this and hopefully a few more people do their bowel screen tests and check themselves out. Early detection.

So washed out for a couple of days, but all good and clear. So now will rest up for another day or 2 and then back to a few coffees and catchups and stuff around the house, and spending time with the fam, as tomorrow is always another day.
Love.
Trev.

We are heading in the right direction

Had a CT Scan last week, this one was to determine if the chemo is still working, if we are still heading in the right direction. The last one was around 8-10 weeks before, which showed that there was a 21% average reduction in the larger tumours. This one showed that the chemo is still working, this time around about a 15% reduction from the last scan. Awesome. We are keeping a lid on the bastards, we are heading in the right direction.

Jane was with me for the news, it felt good, not great this time, just good. After a few tears and hugs after the onco appointment it was back on the treadmill, back to chemo for the day, hook up the drips, watch a few movies, feel the fatigue, the rash, and the nausea again. It is great news, but was also a funny reminder that I am still on that road, the road I don't really want to be on, the treadmill of living from one scan to the next, one treatment to the next. I am happy with the result, really I am, it was fantastic, but every now and then I come back to earth and wonder why the fuck do I have to be going through this shit at all. But I'm there and there is no option, it is what it is. So lets move on, time to bounce.

I am feeling crappy now a lot of the time, I think its the accrued chemo is starting to catch up a little. I can do a lunch or a coffee and fire up for it, but then pretty soon after the come down is getting a little harder. Fatigue is massive, nausea comes and goes. The massive amount of support, calls, emails, texts, keeps my head well above water, fantastic, thanks all of you.

Had a great lunch with a few of my EMC brothers yesterday, how good was that. Thanks JB for organising, and great to see the rest of you blokes. It was great to talk shop, the issues and problems, the ups and downs, just generally taking the piss. You guys really made me feel still part of the fabric, felt really, really good. Thanks guys.

Was great to meet an online chemo buddy, Helen, earlier this week. Good footy brekky with Gooders today. Wishing Jacko all the best for recovery from a bit of real live bumper cars last week, hope you are feeling better brother.

Well feeling pretty good today, wishing the rain would go away so we can pack an overnight bag and head out to Heathcote on Sunday to watch E play footy.

Tomorrow is always another day.

Love.

Trev.

Where there's a will there's a way

Is there, is there really?

I have written before about the impossibility of being permanently positive. That you need to be able to spend time going through your emotions, anger, grief, sadness. But the key I think is to find a way not to spend too much time in those places, but to bounce back. Resilience.

Somewhat related is the view on will. Where there's a will there's a way. Have you heard of someone that had a life threatening disease, perhaps been given months or less from their doctors, and they beat it, they got through it, they survived. People sometimes say that the reason that they got through it was their unending and single minded focus to get better. They wanted to get better, they would not give up, they willed themselves better, they weren't going to die, they had too much to live for.

I think this is a simplistic view. For every person that has had that perspective and survived, there are many more that have had exactly the same outlook and not survived. Does this mean that their will or reason to live was less that those that survived? Of course not, in fact I think it is disrespectful of those that did not make it to talk that way and imply that they put less effort or had less of a will to live.

With that single focus can also infer some level of denial of where you are at and what you are actually going through. Is that healthy, maybe, maybe not. I wouldn't like to pass on without having had some discussions and plans setup for the future without me. And I want to plan the music for my service, Daz, Barb and I have been chatting about that for years. How can I go without putting in my footy tips. And in case you are asking, I HAVE put in my entire years tips. Each week I go back in and make some amendments, but just in case, FootyTrev tips are in Mike.

My theory is that you can will yourself to death. That you can switch off and just fade away. But the other way is much tougher. I think the right attitude and approach helps the body and mind drive with things like radiation and chemo to try and manage the disease. But can you cure yourself with your mind, make it go away just on pure will? Can you get through the life threatening disease from just will alone? I don't think so.

So my approach is pragmatic and logical. I am positive, I will do anything I can that I think will help me get through this. I want to see my children have relationships, have children, grandchildren.  I want to grow old with my love. But I know that's going to be tough, I am reading the newer studies and looking at the average timeframes. What will put me in those small percentages, the ones that I want to be in? Will WILL get me there? Certainly part of the equation, but then there is luck, genes, and all the medical approaches.

While I am here and am able to draw a breath, I will keep trying to manage this thing and move on. I will do anything I can to get through this, to grow old. I dearly want to be here. But I am equally comfortable talking through some of the things that are a little more confronting, some of the other what ifs and what may be.

But at the moment, I had my most recent scan yesterday and results on Monday. I am pretty confident about this one, hopefully that's not a bad thing. I have little reason to think that it will be anything but good news that the chemo is still working. I have been having a few more pains, but as my onco says, I am 50 now, and so going to have a few aches and pains. But the cancer markers which give an indication of cancer activity are all down.

After my double dose of Cetux last round the whole fortnight has been a challenge, felt crap the whole time. So not doing that again, going back to the weekly single dose rather than the fortnightly double dose.

So looking forward to a weekend that is a little restful and then some footy on Sunday.
Tomorrow is always another day.
Love.
Trev.

Keith's Journey

Recently heard a series of interviews that James O'Loughlin did with Keith and Helen Bunker. Keith had Liver Cancer and was given a short time to live. James interviewed him on radio about his views on life, death, the whole process and how he felt. He then decided to continue to interview him monthly until his death. Some interesting stuff, and some very raw, honest and enlightening stuff. Here is just a snippet of some of the stuff they covered.

"I cried more in the last 9 months than in my previous 49 years".
The emotional ride is really interesting. My support group buddy Robin once told me that even years after his treatment the emotional piece of this can come on at any time, and for no particular reason. Perhaps these life changing events heighten our emotional awareness.

"Knowing that you are going to die; you think about it, plan and prepare physically and emotionally, plan for when I go. Family are as prepared as they can be".
I think this is a real paradox. I feel lucky that I can plan and prepare, but am I really lucky that I will checkout earlier than I really should. Compared to those that get hit by the proverbial bus, never get to say good bye, yep, I am lucky.

"Its not about fairness". 
Its not, its not about who gets it and who doesn't.  I have said before, where are all the dickheads with this disease, all the people I have met with this are good people. No, its not discriminatory, its just what it is.

"I can fight it emotionally, but physically? Fight is really not the appropriate word or language".
So, emotionally I can be strong, resilient, and keep on top of the disease as much as I can. But the physical one is difficult. No winner either way, the chemo is brutal, and really that's part of the fight. You are not really fighting the disease, you are just working on managing it in some way. Keith went on to say that he hasn't given up, but is just pragmatic.

"Im all about honesty, I haven't got time for anything else".
Life is short, that is certainly true, and when given a hurry up there really isn't time for small talk (I say that metaphorically). My support group buddy Phil spoke of early in the piece the culling of friends and family. Why spend time with people that don't value you, or don't make you feel good. There is a bit of a natural culling process in that. I am certainly polite with everyone, but why spend time on things that just don't really matter, I no longer have that time to waste.

"Positiveness, attention, kindness with friends and family has been taken to a new level. Love, attention and kindness, some of the best moments of my life so far. You go through life occasionally telling people you love them, however I get daily emails, they give me enormous joy".
I have said this in previous blogs, how lucky I am to be at a spot with family and friends that I may never have got to, this is certainly the most positive aspect of this whole journey. Add to that I cant wait to see my oncologist and my fabulous medical team each week, they are very special people.

"Spiritually, I am not going to tell anyone that I'm in heaven with angels, I don't believe that, so that's not right. I do however believe in love. I tell my children that I'll be in your hearts, rather than watching over you".
So well put, nailed it.

"Its about what you do with the time left. Don't get bogged down by the things you cant control. Get on with life while you can".
Tomorrow is always another day.

"I cant think of an ideal way of dying".
I do think of dying. How and when its going to happen? How long will I be here? Is it going to hurt? Is it best in bed next to Jane, but how is that for Jane? Is that fair? I am a little concerned that something will happen when no one is home, when I am home alone, when no one else is around. How can you do that anyway, you cant choose, it will happen when it happens.

James had about 6 discussions with Kieth over about 7 months before Keith passed away. He was raw and honest and very articulate in his feelings, and I was very touched by the whole thing. Compelling listening for sure. James then interviewed his wife Helen, some months after Keiths death. She said that often people didn't know what to say. So often they avoided which she found confronting and difficult. Her advice for what to say to someone that has lost a loved one.

• Be yourself.
• Tell your stories about them, and you, celebrate their life.
• Tell them how you feel.
• Be warm.
• Be normal.
• Life is short, make the most of everything
• Carry on.

That's an instruction book right there.

So rock 'n roll. That's the way we move on with life. And a great part of my journey is to really listen to things like these interviews from Keith and Helen, and really learn from them. Not just have it on as background, but to really listen and take in, and hopefully use. And my dream and hope is that by sharing some of this you will really read it, and if you are in the situation, that you have some small amount more understanding.

I love doing this stuff, listening, writing, pushing it out there, and hope that I will be doing it for a long while, as tomorrow is always another day.
Love.
Trev.

My Anniversiary

What a day, what a week, what a year.

Today I have spent a great deal of the day coming back to thoughts about Phil Walsh. I am sure you have all caught the news somewhere that the Adelaide Crows head coach lost his life last night with his son charged with his stabbing murder. Its horrible whether the people involved are in public life of not, its just when they are in public life it is so visible and pervasive.

Love some of the words and phrases used to describe Walshy. Authentic, credible, honest, real, straight-shooter. Love the way he has been described, and hope he would have as well. Really feel for his close family and friends, particularly hie wife, daughter, and of course his son. Life has changed forever.

I think a lot about mortality these days, probably too much. When things like Walshys death bring up thoughts about how lucky, I, and all of us, are. I have the opportunity to hug my wife and kids more, to chat, to discuss, to tell them I love them every day, to plan for the future with or without me, to prepare all of us for what is likely to happen over the coming years. Walshy didn't  his family has to live with that as well as everything that goes along with that, awful stuff. I am so lucky.

So today is my 1 year anniversary since diagnosis. A year ago today I got the news of the malignancy of the cancer in the bowel. Over the following few days we then found out the extent of the growth to the liver, lung and abdo. Today a year ago was my first day of not heading to work each morning, the beginning of the new life. So began this journey.

The challenges and negatives are pretty clear. There have been times when things have been so dark, and hope seemed so far away. I remember a conversation with BP telling him I felt like I was going out the back door, and others similar. But there has been so many positives, so many things that I may never have got to if this hadn't happened. I wont list everything out, will be here for days and I have written about many in previous blogs. But the strength of love that I feel for family and close friends is everlasting, and is something that will keep me going forever.

One of the things that has been so surprising is re-engaging with some great old mates. Spent a good couple of hours with Youngy, Willo and Carolyn, old Primary school mates (when I say old, I hope you guys know I mean that we are "old mates", and not "old" mates). Haven't seen these guys for over 30 years, and it was pretty amazing how comfy it felt, how good it was just chatting openly about old and new times. Was lovely. Great job Rod for getting us together, thanks.

Was also great to catch up with an old footy mate, Peter Mac, today. Amazing who you run into when crossing the road! And great pre-dentist brekky with great mate Rob Thommo earlier this week, could talk for hours Rob and love the support and wishes from you and your family over the time.

I had a double dose of one of the chemo drugs on Monday, the idea being that if I have a double dose this week then I don't have to go in next Monday for another. So wanted to give it a go. Been a rough few days. Been lots of bouts of nausea and massive fatigue interspersed with hours of clarity and effectiveness. But certainly when I get out of chatting, I am more and more tired once I come down from the natural high of chatting and engaging. I expect I will have a better week next week without any chemo, but got to decide whether the additional feel crap of this week is worth the fortnight double dose, or whether better off with the weekly single dose. Will see at the end of next week.

I have my next CT to look at how the chemo is working next Thursday  then the results the following Monday. I am very confident, all things point to the idea that the weed killer is continuing to shrink the bastards. I certainly expect some more great news from the onco on Monday week, I am sure Josie will come through.

The week has also been hard coming to terms with my ex-employers decision to terminate my employment on medical grounds, but each day I am becoming a little more accepting of it. Whatever happens, life goes on. We deal with it, and move on to the next stage. That doesn't mean I don’t have bad days or doubts. It just means that I accept the hand I was dealt. I don’t know what the next chapter will bring, but I’ll do my best to deal with it. And you all know that this means that tomorrow is always another day.

On my first anniversary of this journey I would also like to thank all of you that have read my ravings, and supported me and my family. I look forward to continuing to share what is an awesome time of life with all of you.

Love.
Trev.

Another small hurdle

For near 12 months I have been working towards heading back to work, putting some normality in life. I enjoyed my job, but its not necessarily the work that I crave. Its things like:

1. The social piece, shooting the breeze, adult contact, relationships. 
2. The idea of being valuable. To be able to do stuff of value to others, rather than asking people to do stuff for you.
3. The link to the normal, the idea that I don't have to focus on the disease and treatment 24x7

I have had 2 false starts in my return, both were medical, both times i had planned to return and unfortunately could not. This time I had planned to return this Friday for a day a week, and have been very excited about this for some time. It was going to happen.

Unfortunately my employer EMC could not accommodate the 1-day per week role, and have made a business decision to terminate my employment due to medical incapacity. So double hit. Not returning as hoped to give it a go, and employment terminated. 

I understand the reasoning, and am accepting of the decision, like lots of things I have to be, no choice really. But the timing is tough, and the decision is really out of the blue so its a bit of a hard one to stomach. I will still be covered under salary continuance insurance which pays partial amount of my salary, but it does prove several financial challenges for us, as well as some mental challenges.

But what will be will be, yes I had my heart set on it, but as someone told me today, it can provide me with other opportunities to do some stuff that I really want to do. Some sage advice, one that I will explore.

Wishing Jo all the best with her results, back into limbo land again, know that one well, but Jo seems to be coping extraordinarily well. Great to catch up with Smithy, Chez, and a great lunch with the Talkforce crew last week. Awesome to catch up with you all, and thanks for listening.

So although this week did not bring me what I thought it was going to, I am sure next week will bring something new, as tomorrow is always another day.
Love.
Trev.

 

Lucky Trev

I am a lucky guy. The last 12 months have been a bit of an awakening.

To be confronting mortality means that I constantly need to consider today and aim for tomorrow. I hug tighter, I talk deeper, I love harder, I laugh more heartily. More than I ever have before. I am privileged to have had this awakening.

It's not a spiritual awakening, it's a rational one. I reckon many of us don't have this. We carry on with our daily lives one day after another. It s bit like going through the motions, taking things for granted. Those disagreements we have about the stupidest little things, why. It's OK to have them, but bounce away from them as he quick as you can. No ones fault, just accept and move on. I've always had trouble with that one, but still working on it.

I urge you to take my lead. Your life and the lives of your loved ones are so precious, and short. Go home tonight, hug the kids for no reason except that you can. No need to go overboard, a simple hug, a touch, a look, a laugh, a few words. They might giggle and push you away, laugh harder at that, giggle more, hug more. Tell them you love them, every day. Corny? Yeah it is, but so what? Important and meaningful? My f*&#$en oath.

I get to hug my wife and kids every day, to tell them I love them, to laugh and giggle and listen and talk. More than I ever had before. How privileged am I to be in this situation and to be able to do that. Very privileged, very lucky.

I am proud to be heading into my 12 months anniversary since diagnosis and still be here. The have been many times when I didn't expect to make it, but I have, and hopefully heading in a good direction for now. And tomorrow I will hug and kiss and love and laugh, as tomorrow is certainly another wonderful day. And you should as well, really.

Love.

Trev.

The Battle

In a battle there is a winner and a loser. With me, if cancer wins, then it loses, as without me it cant propagate  For me, I can never really win, as I will never be rid of cancer, it will be with me till the day I die. It's always going to be a management of the disease. We will never be able to get rid of it, it will always be trying to keep on top of it. Remission is not a word that I can consider.

There are no winners and losers here, no matter what happens, no matter what the outcome.

So its really not a battle, I am really not battling the disease. What I am doing it trying to live with it, to live with the diagnosis, the issues and problems, living with the disease and all that goes with it. Whatever happens, I have always coached to play the game out right till the last whistle, finish with your head held high. I will continue to do that.

Been a great couple of weeks. Lots of footy, lots of catching up with good friends, lots of time with family.

I missed the ice-hockey last week that I really wanted to go along to with Jane. Ethan took my place, they had a great time. I saw a few days of Ethan playing footy, the State Carnival, a few club games. He had a ripper today against East Sydney at Acron, 4 goals and a great game. I also got to watch the Swans game at the Alexandria Hotel on Saturday night with good mates Mic and Fincha, and got to chat with good friend Davo again who was hosting the night. Great catching up with all you guys as always, love you brothers.

  

Now that I am off the phenergan I'm awake for each infusion. One thing that it was masking was the nausea, which hangs around for a good couple of days. My white cells continue to go down, so I have scratches and cuts and broken skin on various parts of my body that really don't heal so well, so its an everyday battle with more creams and band-aids and putting up with the discomfort. I also feel pretty awful some days, and find it hard to shake that, to bounce back from that sometimes physically, I put that down to the low count as well. The continuous fatigue sometimes catches up with me, but I think I am getting better at resting when I need to catching up on a bit and so being up for the times I want to be up for. My pharmacist Mark hears about my new problem every week, hes doing well so far. My feet and hands continue to be troublesome with the neuropathy, just got to suck it up and keep going with that.Thanks to my designated drivers for the last couple of weeks, Lyss as always, and JG.

Still looking forward to returning to work for 1 day a week starting June 26. I also have my next scan coming up soon to see how we are going. I do have a few extra aches and pains, but hoping they are nothing, or nothing bad that is. But I have worked out from previous experiences, I can't read these things, I just have to wait and see. Last scan was great, so no reason to think the next scan is also going to be great. Well, not too many reasons really, except the extra pains down around the liver and lung area, but I am sure they are nothing (did I say that already?).

So big day in at the SAN Hospital tomorrow, big day in infusion. Should be fun, always enjoy catching up with a great bunch of nurses, and Lyssa is my designated driver again. Put your hat on Lyss, rev the engine, away we go.
Tomorrow is always another day.
Trev.

The Bounce

When we watched our kids play sport, Jane used to say that they bounced. With all 3 of them we would watch them play sport, hit the deck and bounce straight up and keep playing, often with bark hanging off them. Get knocked down, then get up again, aint nothing going to keep them down.

Resilience. That's "the bounce". Maybe the kids got some of that from me. Maybe we all have it in us. There are lots of ups and downs in this journey. Lots of times when things get on top of me. But that's ok, the critical thing is not to spend too much time in the dark places, but to bounce back. Resilience is about the bounce, to get back to living life, getting back to some normality. Don’t get bogged down by the things you cant control. Get on with life while you can. The Bounce.

Having some problems with the neuropathy at the moment in the hands and feet. They seem to be getting worse each day and making it harder to walk, making it harder to do some simple things. Couple more pain killers and pushing through, will have another chat to the onco on Monday.

Was lovely to talk to a workmate Jo yesterday. Jo is going through some really tough times with advanced breast cancer, and some really difficult issues. 3rd time cancer for Jo, wow. In our short conversation her resilience is clear, the way she talks about the treatment, the family, whats next, living in limbo between tests. I had a few tears yesterday arvo after our conversation. However, Jo definitely has the bounce, the resilience.

Went to the Biggest Morning Tea at EMC on Thursday, great to see Jillian and Roger and my work colleagues again. Cant wait to get back to work 1 day a week, planning on starting on Friday 25th June. Thanks Marty for your help again with he pool. Thanks Ed and BP for brekky, great to catchup with both of you. Also great to catch up with Smitty and Blowesy yesterday, love you guys. Best selfie yet fellas.

So let me bounce back again this weekend for some good times, as tomorrow is always another day.
Love.
Trev.

Where are Sleepy and Grumpy?

Today was my smaller chemo day, a few hours of weed killer. However today we decided to try it without knocking me out with the industrial strength Phenergan. After the event of Feb 23 when I had the Anaphylactic reaction to the Cetuximab, I was pretty anxious, bit of an interrupted sleep last night. On the flip side, I want to get off that Phenergan, it stuffs me for a few days, really washes me out. I would rather be just dealing with the side effects of the weed killer than adding this other stuff to it.

So we hit the weed killer without the Cetux, and waited. Lyss waited with me. 15, 20, 30 minutes, and no reaction. Once we got to 45 mins I reckoned we were clear. Nurses were pretty stoked too. So I then talked to Lyss, watched a bit of the Bourne Identity, and all was good. So fantastic, I walked out after a few hours with just the weight and fatigue from the weed killer, but not the intense drowsiness and other stuff that came from knocking me out for the day.

Awesome, no sleepy and grumpy today, just a little tired and washed out. Still don't feel fantastic, but the fact that we got through the morning without the knockout is doing great things with my head space.

So I am sure I will get a good nights sleep tonight, then wake up refreshed tomorrow, getting a little better each day, as tomorrow is always another day.

Love.
Trev.

Living Life

Living Life, what does this mean?

Does it mean going to work each day, then organising our yearly holiday? Does it mean ticking everything off the bucket list?

It sort of is everything, all of these, and none of these. Facing mortality has forced me to consider many things. Particularly what is important, what is a priority. And its not accruing things or experiences any more. Its more about the connections, the love, the relationships, the events and interactions.

Things are going well at the moment. The chemo continues each week, and I am planning things past next week. Things are starting to feel a little normal. Normal in an abnormal situation.

We are going to try to pull off the industrial strength phenergan next Monday. You may remember that I had to get this heavy dose each infusion after I had an anaphalactic reaction to the first dose. Well apparently you can get used to the drug, maybe. So we will still have the steroids, then instead of knocking me out with the phenergan we will try to go straight for the Erbitux. If everything goes ok then we will just continue. If I have another reaction, we will stop, flush, and then back to the phenergan before the Erbi. I want to try this as the phenergan really knocks me around for a few days, so if we can get off it then thats great. However, I am a little anxious about the reaction, the way it happenned last time.

So thanks Lyss for this weeks lifts. Was great to get to the Swans v Cats game on the weekend and catchup with John and MA, good to see Chris Y and Scott on the way home on  the bus, great to see Chris beginning to get back on track after his accident. The St Ives AFL club raised over $2K for Cansupport from RNS with our pink sock day. This is fantastic, more than we have ever raised since I have been involved. This is great, and I'm looking forward to go and present the cheque to the group. Very proud of the club and AFL community. Thanks for all my footy mates that have been helping with the food roster for us, as we have our head a bit above water now we will have a break from that, but we really appreciate all the help and all the meals over the last 9 months, I am so grateful. Thanks to Diane and Mike for organising all this time.

So I am back trying to live life just that little bit more. To create memories, to live and love and connect and engage, and to chat and hug and laugh and cry. Now that's living, and tomorrow is always another day.

Love.
Trev.

...

Another Sunrise

I am always grateful to see another sunrise, another day with my beautiful family, another day of chatting, spending quality time, thinking, pondering.

Was great to watch another sunrise with my great mate Dazza. This time we went to North Head. I remember back in the 80s during a slow night-shift heading out with Hoppy and watching the sunrise out there. Haven't been in touch with Hoppy for many years, would love to find him out at some stage.

So after a bit of hunting around North Head in the dark, Dazza's sense of direction kicked in and we found a couple of good spots for some great shots.

I have started to get some more exercise in and feeling pretty good about it all. Still not in great shape physically, but its clear that things are moving in the right direction. Thanks to some more antibiotics and some creams my infected toe is clearing up well as well. The rash and dry skin on my torso is still fairly prevalent, and some bits appear on my face every now and then which I hate, but its not too bad, I shouldn't be so vain eh.

Spent the weekend with Ethan in Melbourne watching a bit of footy, was great to get away after not doing much at all for the last 9 months. Great to plan more than a week ahead. Was a little anxious about it but worked out great, big E took care of me and made sure I didn't overdo it. Good to cheer in a Swans win too.

This Saturday is the Swans v Cats game at ANZ. The Jodi Lee Foundation are at the game in order to raise awareness for bowel cancer. These guys are doing a great job to get it on the agenda, and are pumping the Bowel Screen kits. I have to go along, just have to, I feel a bit of a sense of ownership for the game, so we are heading out. AFL have even stumped up for a few free seats for me, always like free stuff.

http://www.iknowsome1.com.au/

Was great to catch up with some great mates over the last couple of weeks, Dazza, Pricey, Flanman and Shane, Tone, Smithy, Ian, Riddles and Jules tonite, cant wait. Was great to take part in the article in the North Shore Times regarding our pink sock day with St Ives AFL, was really happy with the piece.

So feeling strong, still going through lots of ups and downs, but mentally feeling strong and resilient. Tomorrow the sun will come up again, I know, I have caught it a few times, and I know that tomorrow is  always another day.

Love.
Trev.